Attack of the Mush: Myth and Manipulation

“From Single to In a Relationship.” That’s how it read. It was declaration of your relationship status, a testament that your elusive heart has finally been captured. I searched frantically to find that one person who finally did it. And there it was, the picture that told me everything. It was that photograph in a restaurant in one of your night outs. There he was, a brand new person amidst the familiar faces. He was the one. And as clear as the words written in your change of status, it hit me. You could never really be mine. You could be the worlds’ but never mine. It doesn’t matter how long I wait, or how patient I can be or even how close we can get, it was just never enough. It was simply not meant to be.

Is being in a relationship really all that? After 2 years and almost 4 months of being in a relationship with my work, my photography, my laptop, family and friends, I begin to ask the question, “Should I settle?” It’s not as if I am single by choice but sadly it’s more because of circumstance. And so in the hopes of finally finding that one person to finally end my journey, I am declaring to the universe that I too am ready to be with someone!

I watched one of my favorite films of all time earlier, “The Mirror has Two Faces.” I must have seen that film a dozen times and yet I have never grown tired of it. More than Barbara Streisand, what struck me most about that movie was how it describes the longing of people to be in love. In one particular scene, Barbara, who played a middle-aged professor of literature at Columbia University discussed why people fall in love --- the myth and the manipulation of it all.

Why do people find it a need to be with someone, to be in love? Perhaps it’s true that what we see in movies, read in books, and even stories that have been told to us when we were young are all but a manipulation of what loves suppose to be. Why in the end we are not told what happens after the princess marries the prince? Why movies highlight the “falling in love” of characters to be overly extravagant with music swelling up to the moment when they first kiss. Why romantic novels describe fantastic love scenes and create illusions of grandeur when characters (people) fall in love.

It has been said that when we fall in love, we hear music, whether it be Puccini or angels singing, bells ringing, or chimes. Why? Because they say that music is the nearest description to the feeling of being in love. And while I haven’t heard the Philharmonic in my head on a first date for a long, long time. I still believe that this is true. I want to. I have to. If only to assure myself that I shall hear it again --- that I shall feel it again.

When I look around me and see couples, I can’t help but feel envious. I am jealous that they are together not because of the sweet nothings they say to each other (though I want that), nor the fact that they look into each other’s eyes with such longing (though I also want that), or even the fact that they have fantastic sex. I am jealous because they have found someone in their lives who truly knows who they are, who accepts each and every flaw. Who cares for you in a way no one else can. Someone who knows what kind of toothpaste you use and what kind of food you like. Someone you can share your life with. People fall in love because while, some of us already know, that it can have a very short shell-life, and it can lead into an indescribable pain. People fall in love because while it can only last for a moment, an hour, a minute, or even one night --- while it lasts it feels f*cking great!

In my search for that one person who in an instant turn my life around, I have stumbled across so many frogs I was willing to kiss. And of all those near misses, I’ve only realized one thing. I will never settle for someone less. So whether true love exists, whether it is a myth or a manipulation, I want to find it…


…Again.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Lovemonth-Schlervmonth!

There are moments in your life that leaves you wondering if it all makes sense and you pray that while you go through the routine of the day, it will all finally unravel to tell you that while something’s should be thrown to trash, there are some that deserves keeping.

I have not written anything in a pretty long time. There were lots of attempts but I never got to share my thoughts in writing to my very little fan base. And so let me try and include the few of those unpublished works.

There was one inspired by the “Ugly Truth” on which I called it the “Uglier Truth” about gays and how complicated dating in the gay world is compared to the heterosexual scene. Why? Because while we all go through the same problems in dating, gays have it worse… at least for gay men. There’s the physical aspect where gay men are attracted more to the big chests, bulging biceps, toned abs, and yet still need to incorporate the personality based aspect of having the charm, wit, thoughtfulness, sweetness, often found in women. Not to mention the complications of men (almost all men) being very, very sexually active ---Promiscuous I dare say to a certain extent. There are very few, if not any who can be very monogamous. And while we all dream of Prince Charming to be very charming indeed, having such personality coupled with disturbingly good looks can only lead to heartache for most gay men especially for those who refuse to take in the concept of an “open relationship.” And so, I ask myself, when I comes to dating for gay men, is it really worth it or is sex just simply a more outright solution to those cold, lonely nights when you have no one to cuddle with but your pillow?

A few months back I dated a couple of guys that finds merit in being included on this blog entry. And while I am a bit afraid that they will read this and curse me for life, I still want to be able to share why I’ve been single for more than 2 years. But I’ll be kind – or at least I will try to be.
He was a great guy. He was tall, Chinese-mestizo, a gym-goer and an educator. But while the fact remains that he seems to be an obvious catch, there’s something about him that just didn’t click. He was “dreamless.” I was looking for someone whom I could share a certain passion with and even if it was not the same as mine, I want a guy who’d be equally as passionate on the things that he wanted to do. He was over 30 and sadly he still did not know what to do with his life. He lacked the drive to dream and the balls to pursue whatever it is he wanted to do in his life. I may be a tad bi judgmental here but this is my opinion of him, my impression – a very bad one at that.

A month of dating and I wanted to understand and maybe even help in deciphering what went on his head. I wanted to persuade him to do whatever it is that he wanted to do. Problem is, I don’t think he even had a clue himself. He ended it in manner bordering cruelty. He phoned me saying that he just saw his ex and they spoke and that he realized that he still had feelings for him. He even asked us to be friends and, I said, “What’s the point?”

Second guy turned out better than the first. He was cute, witty, funny, and responsible. He was too responsible --- for many things. In short, he wasn’t ready for what I had to offer. I shall not go into details, as I am sure that if he ever read this, he might end up hating me. I realized last night it was simply not worth it. I told myself this has to end. Bad thing about it is that I haven’t exactly told him yet. I’m a coward that way. I refuse to say it into his face. I just don’t call anymore nor text as often. I think eventually he’ll get it. I don’t think he’s that dense anyway.

And so my search continues to eventually find that one person to disrupt my life. I wait for that knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet and carry me to a distant land. If only life was a fairytale where it all ends in happy endings. But often life is cruel. It plays with your heart and tests its tolerance for pain and its capacity to heal.

There are moments in your life when that one person you thought could change your life for the better turns out to be the villain in the teleserye of your life. You simply have to learn that not all first dates can lead to a second one. Not all wonderful night-outs can eventually lead to cuddling for breakfast. Not all perfect conversations can lead to talk about the future. You have to accept the fact that sometimes he’s simply not that into you --- or you to him.

And then you move on if only to someday find someone really worth keeping.


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo